1
00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:34,640
Good morning, son.
2
00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:37,200
Yes, Mother, it certainly is.
3
00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:39,960
You got your fliptop back?
4
00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:42,000
Laptop.
- That's it.
5
00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:44,560
Got it back last night
after our games night.
6
00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:47,600
Did that young lad manage
to fix it for you?
7
00:00:47,640 --> 00:00:50,520
Yeah, I found out last night
I'd picked up a virus.
8
00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:52,560
My inbox had been hacked to bits.
9
00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:57,360
Oh, son, what have I told you
about going into that old town?
10
00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:00,360
No, a computer virus.
11
00:01:01,040 --> 00:01:03,040
Anyway, my name has been cleared
12
00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:05,360
and I am in receipt
of a full apology.
13
00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:07,000
Oh, that's nice.
14
00:01:07,480 --> 00:01:11,320
An email from Barry Stent -
aka The Grand Wizard.
15
00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:15,400
"Dear Mr Maltby. After careful
consideration of the facts..."
16
00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:17,600
Blah, blah, blah, blah...
17
00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:18,960
Here we go.
18
00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:23,800
"..It is my very great pleasure
to clear you of all wrongdoing
19
00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:27,360
"and reinstate you with
the Quiz Master title
20
00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:29,640
"second only to The Grand Wizard.
21
00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:33,000
"Congratulations, brother,
you are, once again...
22
00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:38,880
"...The Oracle."
23
00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:41,760
Oh, well done, son! I am pleased.
24
00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:44,520
Justice has prevailed, Mother.
25
00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:47,280
Smashing. Are you gonna have
a bit of breakfast?
26
00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:51,640
You know when they asked Nelson
Mandela about his time in prison,
27
00:01:51,680 --> 00:01:54,560
and he said, "I went on
a long holiday for 27 years"?
28
00:01:56,240 --> 00:01:57,880
I think I know what he meant.
29
00:01:57,920 --> 00:02:00,960
We're only booked in
till Friday, love.
30
00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:03,000
No, what I mean, is...
31
00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:10,480
Begging your pardon.
32
00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:13,520
Oh, Pauline, love,
what is that smell?
33
00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:14,640
Drain cleaner.
34
00:02:14,680 --> 00:02:17,800
I had a slight contretemps
with the bidet this morning.
35
00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:20,840
Mistook it for the lavatory.
36
00:02:22,040 --> 00:02:24,960
In the long run, I think
you'll find Mr Wu's takeaway
37
00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:28,080
is not the bargain the price
would initially suggest.
38
00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:31,280
Pauline, are you feeling OK?
39
00:02:31,320 --> 00:02:34,800
You look like you've gone
12 rounds with Frank Bruno.
40
00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:38,320
12 rounds of tequila, more like.
41
00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:39,920
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
42
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:42,840
I'm merely suffering
from a mild bout of hay fever.
43
00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:46,520
Uh-uh.
- Hey, there is no self service for alcohol.
44
00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:49,080
I beg your pardon?
- I seed you taking spirits!
45
00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:51,680
The bar is not open
until after breakfast.
46
00:02:51,720 --> 00:02:54,120
If you need alcohol
so early in the morning,
47
00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:57,200
the supermarket is open
for the alcofrolics at 8am.
48
00:02:57,240 --> 00:02:58,640
How dare you?
49
00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:03,000
I have been by as a drone
for the last 18 months.
50
00:03:03,040 --> 00:03:04,800
You have your warning!
51
00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:11,600
Oh, Pauline, and you were
doing so well.
52
00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:17,600
OK, I won't keep you long.
53
00:03:17,640 --> 00:03:20,440
Crystal Hennessey-Vass,
in all her infinite wisdom,
54
00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:23,120
has decided that wristbands
are a thing of the past.
55
00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:26,320
So as of today,
we'll be rolling out a new system
56
00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:31,000
of barcoded ID cards,
just like this one here.
57
00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:37,200
So, is there anyone present who is
au fait with this latest technology?
58
00:03:38,080 --> 00:03:39,880
What is a "fey"?
59
00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:42,240
No idea.
- Anyone good with computers?
60
00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:44,840
Do you want me to get on
the blower to Baby Jesus?
61
00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:46,160
Do you remember?
62
00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:49,320
It was him who showed me
how to use the hotel computer.
63
00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:51,440
Um... how old is he again?
64
00:03:51,980 --> 00:03:53,460
Nine.
65
00:03:53,560 --> 00:03:55,440
I think not.
You can stay behind Les.
66
00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:58,000
Let's hope
Baby Jesus taught you well.
67
00:03:58,040 --> 00:04:00,920
Amber, you're on
posters and leaflets.
68
00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:02,640
Of course. No problem.
69
00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:06,160
The rest of you be sure to
explain the situation delicately.
70
00:04:06,760 --> 00:04:08,680
Our guests do not like change.
71
00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:12,600
We once tried to introduce
a fair-use policy on alcohol.
72
00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:15,400
It was like the Brixton riots.
73
00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:17,600
OK, vamoose!
74
00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:29,960
Morning, campers!
- Late night, Kenneth?
75
00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:31,680
No, it was a very early one.
76
00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:33,280
After I woke up in Neptune's,
77
00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:36,040
I went to The Intimate Bar in
the old town for some karaoke.
78
00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:38,830
They worry if I don't give them my
Little White Bull once a week.
79
00:04:38,840 --> 00:04:40,400
I was in bed by three.
80
00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:42,400
So ready for a full day
in the salon?
81
00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:44,920
New start after our little disagreement?
- Absolutely.
82
00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:46,840
Well, you can't.
- What?
83
00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:50,200
The Spanish workmen have let me down
and the salon isn't ready.
84
00:04:52,080 --> 00:04:53,520
I told you!
85
00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:56,227
The only deadline them Spanish
builders will work to is manana.
86
00:04:56,240 --> 00:04:58,920
Because you know about
manana, it never comes.
87
00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:02,600
Donald and I once knew a
Spanish builder like that.
88
00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:05,040
I had to hire a wheelchair.
89
00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:09,760
So, anyway, looks like you've
got another day off.
90
00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:12,360
No, not me, love,
I'm like a coiled spring.
91
00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:14,600
Why don't we put
the nail bar out here?
92
00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:16,120
You what?
- Next to the pool?
93
00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:19,040
I suggested it once to Liam,
but with his fair skin,
94
00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:20,920
more than 20 minutes in the sun
95
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:23,960
and he ends up looking like
Carrie on prom night.
96
00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:27,560
If I'm gonna do a full day's
work, I'd better bulk up on carbs.
97
00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:29,280
More toast.
98
00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:57,560
Do you have any idea how this game works, then?
- Not a clue, mate.
99
00:05:57,600 --> 00:05:59,760
All I know is that
the prawns move sideways.
100
00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:01,240
Right. Is she even looking?
101
00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:04,480
Yeah, she's coming!
102
00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:07,080
OK, do what I do.
103
00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:10,360
Nice try, Joseph. Not this time,
though, my old friend.
104
00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:12,680
Nice try, Joseph.
Not this time -
105
00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:14,760
Not you, you dickhead!
Just answer me!
106
00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:21,120
Sorry about that, Joseph. I thought
that strong opening would fox you.
107
00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:23,577
Yeah, geez, I tried to jump
your prawn but you was, like,
108
00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:25,440
"Boom! Take that, bitch!"
109
00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:27,960
You'll have to wake up
pretty early in the morning
110
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:29,760
to sneak that manoeuvre past me,
old boy.
111
00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:33,240
Yeah, bruv, you were, like, totally owning me.
I got to step my shit up, innit?
112
00:06:33,280 --> 00:06:34,840
I think you could say that.
113
00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:36,360
Hello, boys.
114
00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:38,760
Oh, wow, you playing chess?
I love it.
115
00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:42,640
Now, if I can just avoid your fox,
116
00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:46,360
and get my horsey to eat
your prawn,
117
00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:50,320
I think it might be time
to get the check, mate!
118
00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:56,200
Here's a leaflet
about new ID cards.
119
00:06:57,200 --> 00:06:59,720
If you need any help
reading it, let me know.
120
00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:03,320
What, bruv?
121
00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:07,240
Say sorry.
122
00:07:07,280 --> 00:07:08,600
What?
123
00:07:08,640 --> 00:07:10,720
Say sorry for last night!
124
00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:12,060
I can't hear you.
125
00:07:12,100 --> 00:07:15,580
He wants you to apologise
for last night.
126
00:07:15,620 --> 00:07:18,340
Apologise for what?
Making a swift recovery?
127
00:07:19,140 --> 00:07:21,220
I didn't realise good health
were a crime!
128
00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:24,080
Good health? One minute
you're on death's door,
129
00:07:24,120 --> 00:07:27,200
the next you're being thrown from a
bronco with a liver full of tequila.
130
00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:30,120
Very good for cauterising
pain, alcohol.
131
00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:33,720
Anyway, if I hadn't
gone on the bucking bronco,
132
00:07:33,760 --> 00:07:35,760
I wouldn't have won these,
would I?
133
00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:40,160
Champagne Brunch for two
at the Three Seasons.
134
00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:41,920
You went on a bucking bronco?
135
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:43,400
Aye, and I won.
136
00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:46,600
In fairness,
it were t'Over-65s category.
137
00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:49,080
The only other one was
this old Spanish lass.
138
00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:53,200
I tried to warn her against going on
a bucking bronco with colostomy bag
139
00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:55,120
but she were having none of it.
140
00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:56,440
What kind of bag, Granddad?
141
00:07:56,480 --> 00:07:58,480
Well, basically,
it's a great big bag of sh...
142
00:07:58,520 --> 00:07:59,880
Never mind, darling.
143
00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:05,000
Anyway, I thought these might
be a way of making up for...
144
00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:07,360
slightly exaggerating my illness.
145
00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:10,000
Thanks, Dad, that's really kind.
146
00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:12,720
No worries, kid.
Rob, Jodie - have a great time.
147
00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:14,360
Dad!
148
00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:16,920
I'm only messing with you!
149
00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:18,520
Oh, come on, Sheron, love.
150
00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:20,400
I'll look after t'kids.
151
00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:22,200
I've just had my breakfast,
thank you.
152
00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:25,360
Come on, it'll be nice.
Worth it just for the Champagne.
153
00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:27,720
Go on, Mum, we'll be all right.
154
00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:30,640
It's not all greasy bacon
and eggs like this place.
155
00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:33,480
They do fruit and all that
diet stuff that you like.
156
00:08:49,450 --> 00:08:52,010
Me mother's upset that you've
started drinking again.
157
00:08:52,050 --> 00:08:54,050
What are you talking about?
158
00:08:54,090 --> 00:08:56,090
This is pineapple juice.
159
00:08:56,130 --> 00:08:57,890
Nature's candy!
160
00:08:57,930 --> 00:09:00,530
You're smashed out of your head.
- How dare you?
161
00:09:00,770 --> 00:09:03,570
It's merely the time of year,
my sinuses are blocked.
162
00:09:05,890 --> 00:09:07,850
Give us that here.
- What are you doing?
163
00:09:07,890 --> 00:09:10,810
It's not good for you.
- Get off, it's part of my five a day!
164
00:09:10,850 --> 00:09:13,290
Look, just give it us here!
- You're spilling it!
165
00:09:18,410 --> 00:09:21,010
Ah, perfect timing, my good man.
166
00:09:21,690 --> 00:09:23,930
One more pineapple juice
167
00:09:23,970 --> 00:09:27,090
and another portion
of your splendid nuts.
168
00:09:32,330 --> 00:09:35,570
So, after you've checked their room
number and their passport,
169
00:09:35,610 --> 00:09:38,530
you input their name here
170
00:09:38,570 --> 00:09:41,970
and you take their photo
with this desk-mounted camera.
171
00:09:42,010 --> 00:09:43,690
You see? Simple.
172
00:09:43,730 --> 00:09:45,930
Easy, an idiot could do it.
173
00:09:45,970 --> 00:09:47,810
Well, that was the general idea.
174
00:09:47,850 --> 00:09:51,470
But make sure the photo
is exactly like this one.
175
00:09:51,510 --> 00:09:53,510
No looking off to the side,
176
00:09:53,550 --> 00:09:57,150
no cutting off the top of the head
or one of their numerous chins.
177
00:09:57,190 --> 00:10:00,150
It must be framed
exactly like this one.
178
00:10:00,190 --> 00:10:02,390
Understood.
- Marvellous, see you later.
179
00:10:02,430 --> 00:10:04,710
Mrs Temple-Savage?
I can't do this now.
180
00:10:04,750 --> 00:10:06,750
I'm due a few hours off.
181
00:10:07,550 --> 00:10:09,950
I beg your pardon?
- You agreed to it last week.
182
00:10:09,990 --> 00:10:11,510
For personal reasons.
183
00:10:11,950 --> 00:10:16,110
Well, I'm sorry, Les,
but we're short-staffed as it is.
184
00:10:16,150 --> 00:10:18,950
And I've got a meeting
with my financial advisor.
185
00:10:19,950 --> 00:10:21,950
Anyway, it's not in the book.
186
00:10:21,990 --> 00:10:23,830
I know, I asked you to put it
in the book
187
00:10:23,870 --> 00:10:25,390
but you said, don't bother.
188
00:10:25,430 --> 00:10:27,070
Really?
189
00:10:27,110 --> 00:10:30,630
Yeah, I remember because you said
your mind is like a Thai prison -
190
00:10:30,670 --> 00:10:33,910
once something goes in,
it never comes out.
191
00:10:34,950 --> 00:10:37,350
No, I'm sorry, Les.
We're run off our feet.
192
00:10:37,390 --> 00:10:40,990
Mrs Temple-Savage.
I wouldn't normally insist,
193
00:10:41,030 --> 00:10:43,350
but I'm actually having
laser eye surgery.
194
00:10:43,390 --> 00:10:46,870
The old peepers aren't what
they used to be, it's all booked in.
195
00:10:46,910 --> 00:10:49,310
What's happened to you?
196
00:10:49,350 --> 00:10:51,390
Just another day
in the bin of the loonies.
197
00:10:52,470 --> 00:10:55,030
I'm sorry, Les, there's
nothing I can do.
198
00:10:55,070 --> 00:10:56,990
The rules are there for a reason.
199
00:10:57,030 --> 00:11:01,190
Without them we descend into chaos,
you must see that.
200
00:11:01,230 --> 00:11:04,830
I can hardly see anything, that's
why I booked the appointment!
201
00:11:07,110 --> 00:11:09,110
Hey, Mateo, have you got a minute?
202
00:11:09,150 --> 00:11:10,790
What do you want?
203
00:11:10,830 --> 00:11:13,070
Let me teach you to use this, quick.
204
00:11:15,510 --> 00:11:18,177
Well, hey there!
- Well, hey there, yourself.
205
00:11:18,190 --> 00:11:19,630
What can I get you?
206
00:11:19,670 --> 00:11:21,670
I'd like one tequila sunrise.
207
00:11:21,710 --> 00:11:23,830
Don't you think you're
a bit young for tequila?
208
00:11:23,870 --> 00:11:25,390
Oh, it ain't for me.
209
00:11:25,430 --> 00:11:28,350
I wanna surprise my granddaddy
with it, over there.
210
00:11:29,510 --> 00:11:31,590
Excuse me, my dear,
when you have a moment,
211
00:11:31,630 --> 00:11:35,470
can you pop a small large vodka
in there, will you? No ice.
212
00:11:35,510 --> 00:11:39,070
Well, excuse me! You might have
noticed there is a line?
213
00:11:40,390 --> 00:11:42,070
Oh, so sorry, madam.
214
00:11:42,110 --> 00:11:44,110
Please. After you.
215
00:11:44,150 --> 00:11:46,950
I'm sorry, darling,
but I can't serve you.
216
00:11:46,990 --> 00:11:50,390
You're just too
itty-bitty small for alcohol.
217
00:11:50,430 --> 00:11:53,430
I beg your pardon?
- Yeah, I'll serve you in just one second.
218
00:11:53,470 --> 00:11:54,910
I am not talking about my drink,
219
00:11:54,950 --> 00:11:57,710
I refer to your appalling,
bare-faced racism.
220
00:11:57,750 --> 00:11:59,030
Racism?
221
00:11:59,070 --> 00:12:02,470
Our diminutive American
cousin may be a dwarf
222
00:12:02,510 --> 00:12:05,310
but that doesn't exclude her
from enjoying her holiday.
223
00:12:05,350 --> 00:12:07,430
I ain't no dwarf!
- Sorry.
224
00:12:08,350 --> 00:12:10,070
Of course. Midget.
225
00:12:11,150 --> 00:12:14,190
Tell me, did you have
many relatives
226
00:12:14,230 --> 00:12:16,550
in Willy Wonka And
The Chocolate Factory?
227
00:12:16,590 --> 00:12:20,150
I ain't no dwarf or no
midget, I'm just a little person.
228
00:12:21,070 --> 00:12:23,070
Exactly! You're a person.
229
00:12:24,030 --> 00:12:27,310
And I will not stand by and
have you discriminated against
230
00:12:27,350 --> 00:12:30,030
by Miss Tits and Teeth 1993 here.
231
00:12:30,790 --> 00:12:32,990
You do realise
she's not actually a -
232
00:12:33,030 --> 00:12:35,630
No, young lady,
it is you who doesn't realise.
233
00:12:36,131 --> 00:12:37,031
Now,
234
00:12:37,110 --> 00:12:43,950
two very small large vodka and
pineapples or I'll have your badge.
235
00:12:47,630 --> 00:12:49,070
I'm Pauline, by the way.
236
00:12:49,110 --> 00:12:50,830
Charmed. I'm Jodie.
237
00:12:50,870 --> 00:12:52,590
So nice to meet a kindred spirit.
238
00:12:53,790 --> 00:12:55,390
I don't know if you've noticed
239
00:12:55,430 --> 00:12:59,590
but there is quite an odd element
in the local clientele.
240
00:13:00,310 --> 00:13:01,830
Stupid is as stupid does.
241
00:13:02,550 --> 00:13:05,990
Exactly. I couldn't have put
it better myself.
242
00:13:06,270 --> 00:13:08,990
By the way, you're gonna need
to exchange your wristbands
243
00:13:09,030 --> 00:13:11,350
for an ID card in reception,
if that's OK.
244
00:13:11,390 --> 00:13:13,390
Oh, quit your jibber-jabber!
245
00:13:14,150 --> 00:13:16,150
To coin an old Chaucerian saying,
246
00:13:17,190 --> 00:13:20,550
lady, you're really
beginning to get on my tits.
247
00:13:23,270 --> 00:13:24,830
Yes, please?
248
00:13:25,310 --> 00:13:27,310
Please, take a seat.
249
00:13:29,430 --> 00:13:33,350
Tell me, from which part
of the New World do you hail?
250
00:13:36,990 --> 00:13:41,870
So, the main thing is to get
the photo exactly like this one.
251
00:13:42,550 --> 00:13:45,310
OK, no problem.
So where are you going?
252
00:13:45,350 --> 00:13:48,150
Did I not tell you?
I'm booked in for an operation.
253
00:13:49,110 --> 00:13:51,110
Operation?
- Corrective surgery.
254
00:13:52,990 --> 00:13:55,470
Really?
- Oh, yeah.
255
00:13:55,710 --> 00:13:57,510
I've always wanted to get it done.
256
00:13:57,550 --> 00:13:59,430
I can't go on like this.
257
00:13:59,470 --> 00:14:01,310
Does Liam know you are doing this?
258
00:14:01,350 --> 00:14:03,230
He was the one that suggested it.
259
00:14:04,550 --> 00:14:06,270
Madre mia!
260
00:14:07,990 --> 00:14:09,830
And you will be away
for a long time?
261
00:14:09,870 --> 00:14:13,550
No, you're in and out these days.
I'll be back in a couple of hours.
262
00:14:13,590 --> 00:14:15,590
How can this be?
- They use a laser.
263
00:14:17,510 --> 00:14:18,790
A laser?
264
00:14:18,830 --> 00:14:21,430
Aye, they're quick, painless.
265
00:14:21,470 --> 00:14:22,990
Whoa!
266
00:14:23,030 --> 00:14:26,590
Just like that
and your life changes forever.
267
00:14:26,630 --> 00:14:27,830
Exactly.
268
00:14:27,870 --> 00:14:33,030
1500 euros and I'll be seeing things
clearly for the first time in years.
269
00:14:34,150 --> 00:14:36,190
So I'm all right to get off, then?
270
00:14:36,230 --> 00:14:39,870
Of course. Anything you need,
I am here for you.
271
00:14:39,910 --> 00:14:41,910
Ah, thanks pal.
272
00:14:41,950 --> 00:14:43,950
You're a mate.
273
00:14:45,030 --> 00:14:46,550
Goodbye, Les.
274
00:14:48,150 --> 00:14:50,230
And tonight you will be Lesley,
yes?
275
00:14:50,270 --> 00:14:51,990
I reckon so.
276
00:14:52,910 --> 00:14:55,070
And I will love you
just as much, brother.
277
00:14:55,750 --> 00:14:57,510
I mean, sister.
278
00:14:58,190 --> 00:14:59,630
Aye, champion.
279
00:14:59,670 --> 00:15:01,510
I'll see you later.
280
00:15:11,270 --> 00:15:12,910
Now, that is a crime.
281
00:15:14,310 --> 00:15:15,830
Excuse me?
282
00:15:15,870 --> 00:15:18,790
A beautiful woman,
sitting all on her own,
283
00:15:18,830 --> 00:15:21,670
with nothing but
the Spanish sun for company.
284
00:15:21,710 --> 00:15:25,550
My friends are here, they're
just a bit busy at the moment.
285
00:15:25,590 --> 00:15:30,270
Well, why don't I sit and keep
you company till they come back?
286
00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:32,030
Oh...
287
00:15:32,031 --> 00:15:34,431
Are you all right? I can leave
you in peace if you want.
288
00:15:34,470 --> 00:15:36,470
No, I'm sorry.
289
00:15:36,510 --> 00:15:39,550
It's just,
that was husband's sunbed.
290
00:15:40,070 --> 00:15:41,990
Bloody hell, you could have said.
291
00:15:42,030 --> 00:15:44,710
No, I meant, when we used to
come here together.
292
00:15:46,910 --> 00:15:49,030
He recently passed away.
293
00:15:49,630 --> 00:15:51,470
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, love.
294
00:15:52,110 --> 00:15:55,230
Still, I bet t'last thing
he'd want is for you to be lonely.
295
00:15:55,270 --> 00:15:57,270
Yeah, you're right there.
296
00:15:57,310 --> 00:15:59,670
I bet he's looking
down on you now,
297
00:16:00,430 --> 00:16:02,950
seeing you with
a handsome fella next to you,
298
00:16:02,990 --> 00:16:05,230
with a big smile on his face.
299
00:16:05,750 --> 00:16:07,030
Yeah.
300
00:16:07,070 --> 00:16:10,150
To be honest, that's what he
liked to do when he was alive.
301
00:16:11,430 --> 00:16:13,110
Excuse me, guys.
302
00:16:13,150 --> 00:16:15,310
Just need to ask you to make
your way to reception
303
00:16:15,350 --> 00:16:18,070
at some point today for new
ID cards, if that's OK.
304
00:16:18,110 --> 00:16:20,110
No problem, darling.
305
00:16:20,510 --> 00:16:23,150
Hello? Shop?
306
00:16:24,270 --> 00:16:27,270
One-and-a-half very thirsty
people over here.
307
00:16:28,350 --> 00:16:30,350
When you have a moment,
obviously.
308
00:16:37,870 --> 00:16:41,270
Are you absolutely sure she's drunk?
309
00:16:41,790 --> 00:16:44,590
Mother, she's on the bar
doing the breaststroke.
310
00:16:45,110 --> 00:16:48,950
I think she's just a bit
giddy about the hot weather.
311
00:16:49,550 --> 00:16:50,870
Don't be fooled, Mother.
312
00:16:50,910 --> 00:16:54,150
It may be sunny now
but there's a storm on its way.
313
00:16:56,990 --> 00:17:00,030
And this one is the Bishop,
he can move any number of squares.
314
00:17:00,070 --> 00:17:01,190
Like the Queen?
315
00:17:01,230 --> 00:17:04,290
No, any number of squares diagonally...
- Like the Queen!
316
00:17:04,330 --> 00:17:06,830
No.
- Let him finish, man!
317
00:17:07,070 --> 00:17:11,230
Any number of squares diagonally
but he can't jump over other pieces.
318
00:17:11,270 --> 00:17:16,270
So how come the King who is, like,
the King, can only move one space?
319
00:17:16,310 --> 00:17:17,910
Is he, like, disabled?
320
00:17:17,950 --> 00:17:21,350
Because, mate, if you ask me,
he's no better off than a prawn,
321
00:17:21,390 --> 00:17:22,990
and that can't be right!
322
00:17:24,830 --> 00:17:26,670
Hey, Jodie, you all right?
323
00:17:26,710 --> 00:17:29,950
Yeah, can I get my nails done?
They said they'd do it for free.
324
00:17:29,990 --> 00:17:32,230
But I have to ask me mum,
but she's not here.
325
00:17:32,270 --> 00:17:35,070
I reckon so.
Is me Granddad looking after you?
326
00:17:36,110 --> 00:17:38,070
Yeah, I've been talking to Pauline.
327
00:17:38,110 --> 00:17:41,270
When you've had your nails done,
make sure you go back to Granddad.
328
00:17:41,310 --> 00:17:42,350
All right.
329
00:17:43,750 --> 00:17:47,430
OK, so how do you remember
which thing does what?
330
00:17:47,470 --> 00:17:49,150
It's probably easier
if we have a game
331
00:17:49,190 --> 00:17:50,830
and you can learn it
as you go along.
332
00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:52,510
Nice one, bruv!
333
00:17:52,550 --> 00:17:54,650
Do you want to play for money?
334
00:17:56,950 --> 00:17:59,070
OK, next one, please,
keep it moving.
335
00:17:59,110 --> 00:18:01,110
Oh, it's you.
336
00:18:01,670 --> 00:18:06,470
Now, I would like one very small
large vodka and pineapple juice,
337
00:18:06,510 --> 00:18:08,670
half a lager.
- Wait!
338
00:18:08,710 --> 00:18:10,270
This is not a bar.
339
00:18:10,310 --> 00:18:12,350
What do you mean, it's not a bar?
340
00:18:12,390 --> 00:18:14,910
What the Dickens are all
these people queueing for?
341
00:18:15,630 --> 00:18:17,150
No! No-o!
342
00:18:17,190 --> 00:18:18,710
Give it back, I say!
343
00:18:18,750 --> 00:18:21,790
Shut up, you crazy woman.
This is instead of your wristband.
344
00:18:22,550 --> 00:18:24,910
Oh. I do beg your pardon.
345
00:18:24,950 --> 00:18:27,230
What is your room number?
- Sorry?
346
00:18:27,270 --> 00:18:29,150
What is your room number?
347
00:18:30,310 --> 00:18:33,790
Just a moment!
I may have had one or two sherbets
348
00:18:33,830 --> 00:18:36,510
but you won't find me easy pickings.
349
00:18:36,550 --> 00:18:37,950
I just need your room number.
350
00:18:37,990 --> 00:18:40,190
You're quite persistent,
aren't you?
351
00:18:44,670 --> 00:18:46,470
Room 625.
352
00:18:47,230 --> 00:18:49,670
Any time after midnight.
353
00:18:52,550 --> 00:18:54,550
Cheers.
- Cheers.
354
00:18:56,870 --> 00:18:58,870
See how thoughtful me Dad is?
355
00:18:59,990 --> 00:19:02,670
He's just a bit eccentric.
He always has been.
356
00:19:02,710 --> 00:19:05,390
Yeah, that's the word, eccentric.
357
00:19:06,110 --> 00:19:09,310
I know he puts on a brave face but
this divorce has hit him hard.
358
00:19:09,350 --> 00:19:11,990
Can you imagine starting
a new life when you're nearly 70?
359
00:19:12,030 --> 00:19:14,350
He's not nearly 70, he's 66.
360
00:19:14,390 --> 00:19:15,790
That's not far off.
361
00:19:15,830 --> 00:19:17,830
It's very far off.
362
00:19:20,070 --> 00:19:21,550
Oh, yeah, yeah.
363
00:19:21,590 --> 00:19:23,910
Just like 47 is miles away from...
364
00:19:23,950 --> 00:19:26,310
The next big number.
You don't have to say it.
365
00:19:26,350 --> 00:19:29,830
Hey, hey, don't be shy, you know
my feelings about being with a...
366
00:19:29,870 --> 00:19:31,710
slightly more mature woman.
367
00:19:34,310 --> 00:19:36,950
Do you want to drink the rest
of that champagne or wear it?
368
00:19:37,750 --> 00:19:40,750
Right, let's finish this
then have a walk up the prom.
369
00:19:40,790 --> 00:19:44,790
I wanna see about getting you one of
them mobility scooters. I'm joking!
370
00:19:46,390 --> 00:19:47,830
Gracias.
371
00:19:49,110 --> 00:19:50,870
Ooh, champagne!
372
00:19:50,910 --> 00:19:52,550
Are we celebrating?
373
00:19:52,590 --> 00:19:54,350
Yes, of course, Joyce.
374
00:19:54,870 --> 00:19:56,870
We have to toast your new home.
375
00:19:58,870 --> 00:20:03,310
Monty, I didn't mention it when I
left a message on your phone but...
376
00:20:04,590 --> 00:20:06,070
...I didn't get it.
377
00:20:06,110 --> 00:20:07,390
Oh.
378
00:20:07,430 --> 00:20:10,470
I think they'll take the champagne
back if you haven't touched it.
379
00:20:10,510 --> 00:20:11,990
Don't worry about that.
380
00:20:12,030 --> 00:20:14,830
It came free with a voucher
I won a few nights ago.
381
00:20:14,870 --> 00:20:16,710
That was clever of you.
382
00:20:16,750 --> 00:20:19,910
Not really. I've still
got the bruises to prove it.
383
00:20:20,710 --> 00:20:22,830
Bruises?
- Never mind.
384
00:20:24,630 --> 00:20:26,150
Well, that was a bit of a waste,
385
00:20:26,190 --> 00:20:28,990
me pulling all those strings
to get your mortgage increased.
386
00:20:29,030 --> 00:20:32,710
Well, maybe not, I've also
come into a bit of money.
387
00:20:32,750 --> 00:20:33,790
Oh, really?
388
00:20:34,510 --> 00:20:36,950
15,000 euros.
389
00:20:37,510 --> 00:20:39,830
15,000 euros?
390
00:20:39,870 --> 00:20:41,990
Joyce, you're not back on
the scratchcards again?
391
00:20:42,030 --> 00:20:44,990
No, of course not.
So, what I was thinking was,
392
00:20:45,030 --> 00:20:48,070
with the 15,000
and the 150,000 mortgage,
393
00:20:48,990 --> 00:20:50,950
I can afford one of your villas!
394
00:20:51,910 --> 00:20:52,990
My villas?
395
00:20:53,030 --> 00:20:54,590
Well, yeah, the um...
396
00:20:54,630 --> 00:20:57,510
Where is it? The leaflet
you gave me a few weeks ago.
397
00:20:58,830 --> 00:21:00,790
Oh. Oh, those.
398
00:21:01,510 --> 00:21:02,950
We could go and see them.
399
00:21:02,990 --> 00:21:05,449
I don't have to be back at
the Solana for a couple of hours.
400
00:21:06,270 --> 00:21:07,830
Joyce, can I be frank with you?
401
00:21:07,870 --> 00:21:09,870
Of course you can be frank.
402
00:21:10,190 --> 00:21:13,590
These are not the sort of
houses that you sell to a friend.
403
00:21:13,630 --> 00:21:16,830
Oh.
- And I do count you as a friend, Joyce.
404
00:21:16,870 --> 00:21:19,710
So do I, Frank... Monty.
405
00:21:19,750 --> 00:21:23,110
A friend I'd like to...
get to know more.
406
00:21:24,710 --> 00:21:26,270
How much more?
407
00:21:27,670 --> 00:21:30,590
It's been a slow burn
but I realised it this morning.
408
00:21:31,230 --> 00:21:33,990
Every time we're about to meet,
the signs are all there.
409
00:21:34,550 --> 00:21:36,550
The best tie comes
out of the drawer,
410
00:21:36,590 --> 00:21:39,590
the careful trimming of
the moustache in the mirror,
411
00:21:39,630 --> 00:21:41,630
an extra squirt of Hai Karate.
412
00:21:41,670 --> 00:21:43,350
Extra squirt of what?
413
00:21:43,390 --> 00:21:45,390
It's an aftershave.
414
00:21:45,910 --> 00:21:47,750
Oh. So...
415
00:21:48,750 --> 00:21:50,470
...you're asking me on a date?
416
00:21:50,990 --> 00:21:54,350
That's right,
I'm asking you to go on a date.
417
00:21:54,390 --> 00:21:57,510
My answer is yes, Monty, I'd
love to go on a date with you!
418
00:21:57,550 --> 00:21:59,270
Wonderful!
419
00:22:00,670 --> 00:22:03,790
Something I didn't mention
because I'm not one to gloat
420
00:22:03,830 --> 00:22:07,630
but I am a Gold Card
holder for Mr Wu's Buffet
421
00:22:07,670 --> 00:22:09,590
just off the Mediterraneo.
422
00:22:10,750 --> 00:22:13,830
Well, we could meet at the
Solana and decide from there.
423
00:22:13,870 --> 00:22:15,470
Yes, of course.
424
00:22:15,510 --> 00:22:18,230
A woman of your breeding
deserves the very best.
425
00:22:19,470 --> 00:22:21,270
A la carte at Mr Wu's.
426
00:22:21,310 --> 00:22:22,830
Oh, yes.
427
00:22:22,870 --> 00:22:26,630
Chips and rice tonight, Joyce,
chips and rice!
428
00:22:37,310 --> 00:22:40,150
Hey, Mateo.
How's the ID card thing going?
429
00:22:40,190 --> 00:22:42,190
Everything is under the control.
430
00:22:42,230 --> 00:22:44,230
It is all about relegation.
431
00:22:44,990 --> 00:22:47,470
You mean "delegation"?
- Is what I'm saying.
432
00:22:47,510 --> 00:22:52,270
Another very small large vodka
and pineapple juice, if you please.
433
00:22:55,910 --> 00:22:59,110
I do not understand, all of
this is just more work.
434
00:22:59,150 --> 00:23:03,030
It's quite clever, it keeps track
of who's eating and drinking what.
435
00:23:03,070 --> 00:23:05,110
Also means we don't have
to stock take, either.
436
00:23:05,150 --> 00:23:08,550
If we're running low on something,
it just flashes up. Look.
437
00:23:09,390 --> 00:23:11,390
Can I just borrow your card?
438
00:23:11,430 --> 00:23:13,270
I may as well have a very small...
439
00:23:13,990 --> 00:23:17,110
very small large Baileys
while you're at it.
440
00:23:17,150 --> 00:23:20,790
I've developed quite a sweet tooth
today for some reason.
441
00:23:23,870 --> 00:23:25,710
And now we press "enter"
442
00:23:25,750 --> 00:23:28,910
and it should tell how us many
drinks the guest has had today.
443
00:23:29,990 --> 00:23:31,990
Ooh... 842.
444
00:23:32,790 --> 00:23:34,790
Skol!
- Well, that can't be right.
445
00:23:34,830 --> 00:23:37,790
It says here,
she has had 842 drinks.
446
00:23:38,590 --> 00:23:42,350
Don't forget,
I had quite a large breakfast.
447
00:23:42,950 --> 00:23:44,630
Show me the card.
448
00:23:45,390 --> 00:23:47,630
Why does her card have
a picture of Joyce on it?
449
00:23:47,670 --> 00:23:49,670
This is correct, no?
- No.
450
00:23:52,750 --> 00:23:55,350
Excuse me, can I just have
a look at your cards?
451
00:23:57,630 --> 00:23:59,630
Mateo, they all have Joyce on them.
452
00:24:00,470 --> 00:24:03,590
OK, listen, before Les went
for his sex change,
453
00:24:03,630 --> 00:24:07,670
he say, "Mateo, print the cards
exactly like this one."
454
00:24:07,710 --> 00:24:09,710
You can ask him when he gets back.
455
00:24:09,750 --> 00:24:13,150
I mean, you can ask her
when she gets back.
456
00:24:13,710 --> 00:24:15,510
Oh, my God.
457
00:24:15,550 --> 00:24:17,510
You didn't know about his operation?
458
00:24:19,990 --> 00:24:21,870
It was a shock for me too.
459
00:24:29,050 --> 00:24:33,490
Then that were it,
40 years' marriage down the drain.
460
00:24:34,170 --> 00:24:36,170
Oh, I am sorry.
461
00:24:36,210 --> 00:24:39,010
Yes, I admit,
I was wrong to stray.
462
00:24:39,050 --> 00:24:42,090
But a man has his needs,
if you don't mind me saying so.
463
00:24:42,130 --> 00:24:44,610
Oh, no, you can say what you
like with me.
464
00:24:45,010 --> 00:24:47,010
And then as Mary got older...
465
00:24:47,890 --> 00:24:50,570
Well, just let's say
her appetite diminished.
466
00:24:51,570 --> 00:24:54,210
And she didn't exactly
start off starving hungry.
467
00:24:55,090 --> 00:24:57,810
I've always thought of sex
as a dinner party.
468
00:24:58,730 --> 00:25:00,770
As long as
all the guests are invited,
469
00:25:00,810 --> 00:25:04,370
you can go ahead and make
a right old pig of yourself.
470
00:25:06,130 --> 00:25:09,410
Eddie, can I have a squirt
of your cream?
471
00:25:10,010 --> 00:25:13,450
Oooh, I feel like a sausage
that hasn't been pricked!
472
00:25:13,930 --> 00:25:15,930
You what?
- Me back.
473
00:25:15,970 --> 00:25:17,650
I'm burning up!
474
00:25:17,690 --> 00:25:20,770
Oh, aye.
Do you want me to do it for you?
475
00:25:20,810 --> 00:25:22,410
Oh, yes!
476
00:25:26,890 --> 00:25:29,890
Right, Jungle Red,
here we go.
477
00:25:30,810 --> 00:25:32,970
Oh, my God, check the date
on that bottle.
478
00:25:33,010 --> 00:25:34,770
I've never smelt a polish so strong.
479
00:25:34,810 --> 00:25:36,810
I haven't opened it yet.
480
00:25:36,850 --> 00:25:39,170
Eugh!
- Oh! Oh, my God!
481
00:25:40,650 --> 00:25:42,250
I was thinking, Jodie.
482
00:25:42,290 --> 00:25:44,610
Two young, single women
like ourselves,
483
00:25:45,770 --> 00:25:47,770
maybe we should
hit the town later?
484
00:25:48,570 --> 00:25:51,410
Well, I'm here with my mum,
so I would have to ask her.
485
00:25:51,450 --> 00:25:54,810
Tell me, is your mother
a short person as well?
486
00:25:55,410 --> 00:25:59,290
I mean, does it run in the family?
Like being ginger?
487
00:25:59,330 --> 00:26:00,850
Keep your hands still, please.
488
00:26:00,890 --> 00:26:04,610
The look we're going for is '50s glamour,
not like you've been gutting a rabbit.
489
00:26:04,650 --> 00:26:06,250
My mum's really tall.
490
00:26:06,290 --> 00:26:08,050
Say that again.
491
00:26:08,090 --> 00:26:10,170
My mum's really tall.
492
00:26:10,210 --> 00:26:12,210
Do you know, it's fascinating,
493
00:26:12,250 --> 00:26:15,010
but you've slipped out of
your American accent.
494
00:26:15,570 --> 00:26:19,050
Oddly enough, I was in South Africa
and picked up a twang there.
495
00:26:19,490 --> 00:26:22,010
It's ebbed away the last few years,
thank God.
496
00:26:23,050 --> 00:26:28,050
Do you know, at times I
sounded almost toffee-nosed.
497
00:26:28,090 --> 00:26:30,090
Can you believe that?
498
00:26:31,130 --> 00:26:33,410
Ah, perfect timing.
499
00:26:33,450 --> 00:26:37,570
Same again for me and my little
friend here will have a Margarita.
500
00:26:38,290 --> 00:26:41,130
For tonight, we hit the town!
501
00:26:41,770 --> 00:26:43,850
I'm sorry, we're not serving
you any more.
502
00:26:43,890 --> 00:26:46,210
I thought this was supposed
to be all-inclusive?
503
00:26:46,250 --> 00:26:48,530
We're not serving you
any more alcohol.
504
00:26:48,570 --> 00:26:49,810
Fine.
505
00:26:49,850 --> 00:26:55,490
Then just two very large Margaritas
for my good friend Jodie.
506
00:26:56,130 --> 00:26:58,450
She hasn't had half the alcohol
I've had.
507
00:26:58,490 --> 00:26:59,770
I beg your pardon?
508
00:26:59,810 --> 00:27:03,610
I assure you, this young lady's
been served no alcohol whatsoever.
509
00:27:04,650 --> 00:27:07,930
I've been drinking all afternoon
with this splendid woman.
510
00:27:07,970 --> 00:27:12,930
I can assure you she's been knocking
back vodkas like a Russian soldier.
511
00:27:12,970 --> 00:27:14,250
What?
512
00:27:14,850 --> 00:27:17,050
She can drink as well
as the next man,
513
00:27:17,090 --> 00:27:20,370
as long as the next
man is Paul Gascoigne.
514
00:27:20,410 --> 00:27:22,410
What is going on here?
515
00:27:23,050 --> 00:27:25,090
Hiya, what was your
Champagne brunch like?
516
00:27:25,130 --> 00:27:28,210
I'll "Champagne brunch" you
in a minute! Where's your Granddad?
517
00:27:30,090 --> 00:27:32,690
Are you Jodie's mother?
She said you were very tall.
518
00:27:32,730 --> 00:27:34,490
Who the frigging hell are you?
519
00:27:34,530 --> 00:27:36,810
I'm Jodie's new drinking partner.
520
00:27:37,570 --> 00:27:40,250
We've had quite the day,
haven't we, darling?
521
00:27:43,130 --> 00:27:44,890
Oh, Pauline!
522
00:27:46,490 --> 00:27:49,410
Come on, let's get you inside.
523
00:27:49,450 --> 00:27:52,730
It's gonna be all right,
everything's gonna be all right.
524
00:27:58,170 --> 00:28:00,450
Don't my nails look pretty, Mummy?
525
00:28:04,510 --> 00:28:08,150
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you
for coming to this intervention
526
00:28:08,190 --> 00:28:11,150
for my sister Pauline,
who's an alcoholic.
527
00:28:11,390 --> 00:28:13,310
Not true!
528
00:28:13,350 --> 00:28:16,470
Pauline, it's OK.
It's time to face your demons.
529
00:28:16,510 --> 00:28:20,350
No, I mean I'm not your sister,
am I? Technically speaking.
530
00:28:20,390 --> 00:28:22,310
Oh, right,
you're bringing that up now?
531
00:28:22,350 --> 00:28:25,030
Come on, Pauline, love. Play nice.
532
00:28:25,070 --> 00:28:27,070
We're trying to help you.
533
00:28:27,110 --> 00:28:30,190
Not being funny, pal,
but what's this got to do with us?
534
00:28:30,230 --> 00:28:33,910
An important part of the process
is Pauline apologising
535
00:28:33,950 --> 00:28:36,310
to the people she's hurt.
536
00:28:36,350 --> 00:28:40,550
So I'd like to ask Sheron if she'd
air some of her grievances, please?
537
00:28:41,350 --> 00:28:44,430
Right, I'm going to try
and stay calm.
538
00:28:44,470 --> 00:28:46,950
Basically, I go out for
two hours and I come back
539
00:28:46,990 --> 00:28:49,830
to find my seven-year-old daughter
sitting with this lunatic
540
00:28:49,870 --> 00:28:51,910
drinking vodka
through a curly straw.
541
00:28:51,950 --> 00:28:54,790
In my defence, I did think
your daughter was a midget.
542
00:28:54,830 --> 00:28:58,150
What?
- Sorry. I mean "little person".
543
00:28:58,190 --> 00:29:01,990
Hang on, we've established Jodie
wasn't served alcohol at any time.
544
00:29:02,030 --> 00:29:04,710
Yeah, don't you think you're
taking this a bit seriously?
545
00:29:04,750 --> 00:29:07,070
Seriously?
Of course I'm taking it seriously!
546
00:29:07,110 --> 00:29:11,190
I ask you to look after my child for one morning,
Eddie. Anything could have happened!
547
00:29:11,230 --> 00:29:13,310
OK, folks, we're here for Pauline.
548
00:29:13,350 --> 00:29:14,830
I'm not here for Pauline.
549
00:29:14,870 --> 00:29:18,670
I'm here to find out what happened
to my daughter while I was away.
550
00:29:18,710 --> 00:29:21,390
Having a Champagne brunch.
- Aha!
551
00:29:21,430 --> 00:29:24,870
Now we're getting somewhere!
- What's that go to do with anything?
552
00:29:24,910 --> 00:29:28,390
Let he who is without sin
cast the first stone!
553
00:29:28,430 --> 00:29:31,030
You what? Listen you -
- Sheron, just sit down!
554
00:29:31,070 --> 00:29:33,150
I think we're getting
a bit side-tracked.
555
00:29:33,190 --> 00:29:35,190
Maybe we should try to speak
one at a time.
556
00:29:37,950 --> 00:29:40,230
We'll use this as a talking stick.
557
00:29:40,790 --> 00:29:42,870
Pauline, I think you should go first.
558
00:29:42,910 --> 00:29:44,550
What's this?
559
00:29:44,590 --> 00:29:46,590
We're using it as a talking stick.
560
00:29:53,150 --> 00:29:55,110
No, I can't hear anything.
561
00:29:55,150 --> 00:29:56,670
Oh, this is ridiculous!
562
00:29:56,710 --> 00:29:59,710
Sorry to interrupt. I'm only here
to see who's paying for her nails.
563
00:29:59,750 --> 00:30:03,030
I'm going. This woman has wasted
enough of my time already.
564
00:30:04,750 --> 00:30:05,910
Sorry.
565
00:30:06,870 --> 00:30:08,870
Right, who wants a beer?
566
00:30:09,990 --> 00:30:14,270
We can't have alcohol, this
is supposed to be an intervention!
567
00:30:14,990 --> 00:30:16,270
Mum?
568
00:30:16,790 --> 00:30:18,310
Mum?
569
00:30:19,070 --> 00:30:21,390
Sorry, love,
I was just resting my eyes.
570
00:30:21,430 --> 00:30:23,510
They're ordering drinks from the bar!
571
00:30:23,550 --> 00:30:25,590
Oh, right.
572
00:30:25,630 --> 00:30:28,790
I'll have a sherry, please,
nice and dry.
573
00:30:28,830 --> 00:30:30,670
OK, love.
574
00:30:37,830 --> 00:30:40,310
Everything shipshape
and Bristol fashion?
575
00:30:40,350 --> 00:30:43,270
Just another regular day.
- Very good.
576
00:30:43,310 --> 00:30:45,310
Are all the ID cards working?
577
00:30:45,350 --> 00:30:47,350
The ID cards have been distributed.
578
00:30:47,390 --> 00:30:48,870
Wonderful.
579
00:30:48,910 --> 00:30:50,390
I knew you'd be OK.
580
00:30:51,230 --> 00:30:54,110
Amber, I've been speaking
to Head Office
581
00:30:54,150 --> 00:30:57,270
about the possibility of
an assistant manager's position.
582
00:30:57,310 --> 00:30:58,950
How does that sound?
583
00:30:58,990 --> 00:31:01,190
Oh, wow! That sounds great!
Thank you.
584
00:31:01,230 --> 00:31:03,190
I know you've only just joined us
585
00:31:03,230 --> 00:31:07,550
but I like to think
that I have an eye for talent.
586
00:31:08,870 --> 00:31:10,910
Chips and rice, Amber.
587
00:31:11,630 --> 00:31:14,070
Chips and rice.
588
00:31:23,470 --> 00:31:25,470
There we go, darling.
589
00:31:25,910 --> 00:31:28,270
Snug as a bug in a rug.
590
00:31:29,270 --> 00:31:32,510
Oh, Pauline,
we are worried about you, you know.
591
00:31:33,470 --> 00:31:34,990
Big fuss over nothing.
592
00:31:35,030 --> 00:31:38,510
It's OK to have a cool beer
with your lunch
593
00:31:38,550 --> 00:31:41,670
and a glass of wine with your tea
594
00:31:41,710 --> 00:31:46,070
and who doesn't like
a bloody Mary with breakfast?
595
00:31:46,830 --> 00:31:50,510
But when you're getting through
a couple of bottles of mouthwash
596
00:31:51,510 --> 00:31:53,510
to get you out of bed
in the morning,
597
00:31:54,790 --> 00:31:56,270
you've gone too far.
598
00:31:56,310 --> 00:32:00,270
But, Mummy, it makes my breath
so minty fresh.
599
00:32:00,310 --> 00:32:02,310
I know it does, love.
600
00:32:03,110 --> 00:32:06,710
And believe me,
I can be an absolute pig
601
00:32:06,750 --> 00:32:09,070
with the eggnog at Christmas.
602
00:32:10,270 --> 00:32:15,310
But I just think we need to get
you some professional help.
603
00:32:15,790 --> 00:32:17,230
Whatever you say.
604
00:32:17,270 --> 00:32:21,590
And try and be nicer to Geoff,
for my sake if nothing else.
605
00:32:22,430 --> 00:32:24,430
I know he's not your real brother.
606
00:32:25,550 --> 00:32:27,110
But he cares about you.
607
00:32:27,150 --> 00:32:28,750
That's not true.
608
00:32:28,790 --> 00:32:29,990
It is, love.
609
00:32:30,750 --> 00:32:33,190
He cares about you so much.
610
00:32:33,230 --> 00:32:35,230
No, I mean...
611
00:32:36,190 --> 00:32:40,350
Regardless of parentage,
he'll always be my brother.
612
00:32:50,990 --> 00:32:52,790
Come on, son.
613
00:33:04,710 --> 00:33:07,510
I'm sorry but I don't see how
you have cause for complaint.
614
00:33:07,550 --> 00:33:11,710
Don't you think you have a responsibility
not to serve so much alcohol to one person
615
00:33:11,750 --> 00:33:14,510
they can't tell a
seven-year-old child from a midget?
616
00:33:14,550 --> 00:33:16,110
Madam, this is Benidorm.
617
00:33:16,150 --> 00:33:19,310
If we stopped serving alcohol
to everyone who was drunk,
618
00:33:19,350 --> 00:33:22,550
my staff would be sitting
twiddling their thumbs all day.
619
00:33:23,030 --> 00:33:24,910
You haven't heard the last of this.
620
00:33:24,950 --> 00:33:27,030
Of course not, that would be madness.
621
00:33:27,790 --> 00:33:29,590
I think we got away with that.
622
00:33:30,630 --> 00:33:32,630
Maybe I should cancel my night off.
623
00:33:32,670 --> 00:33:33,710
No!
624
00:33:33,750 --> 00:33:36,030
I mean... why would you do that?
625
00:33:36,070 --> 00:33:38,070
We've got everything
under control here.
626
00:33:38,710 --> 00:33:40,910
Where's Les? I haven't seen him
since I got back.
627
00:33:41,790 --> 00:33:44,590
We were a bit short-staffed
at the kids club today.
628
00:33:44,630 --> 00:33:48,470
He's probably hanging up his
Dickie Donut costume as we speak.
629
00:33:48,510 --> 00:33:52,310
And probably putting on another
equally ridiculous one after that.
630
00:33:53,990 --> 00:33:55,190
Are you OK?
631
00:33:55,230 --> 00:33:57,030
Going anywhere nice this evening?
632
00:33:57,070 --> 00:34:00,150
Amber, I'm not stupid,
what are you trying to hide?
633
00:34:00,190 --> 00:34:03,110
My darling Joyce...
- Oh, my God! When did he get here?
634
00:34:03,150 --> 00:34:06,110
There comes a time,
in every man's life,
635
00:34:06,150 --> 00:34:09,070
when he has to ask himself
what's really important.
636
00:34:09,110 --> 00:34:12,710
And since I met you,
I find myself asking,
637
00:34:12,750 --> 00:34:16,270
"Do I need a fast car,
a fancy apartment?
638
00:34:16,790 --> 00:34:20,110
Do I need the flashy jewellery
and the expensive clothes?"
639
00:34:20,870 --> 00:34:22,990
And the answer to
these questions is...
640
00:34:23,990 --> 00:34:25,670
Yes, obviously.
641
00:34:26,230 --> 00:34:27,950
But what's the point
in having them
642
00:34:27,990 --> 00:34:30,110
if I've got nobody
to share them with?
643
00:34:31,590 --> 00:34:34,950
Naturally, all those things can be
enjoyed by a single person.
644
00:34:34,990 --> 00:34:37,310
Of course they can.
- Get on with it!
645
00:34:39,470 --> 00:34:41,270
My point is this.
646
00:34:41,310 --> 00:34:43,510
I've made
some wrong choices in my life
647
00:34:44,190 --> 00:34:47,470
and I've not always liked
the person I've turned out to be.
648
00:34:48,230 --> 00:34:53,190
But you, Joyce...
you make me feel brand new.
649
00:34:56,230 --> 00:34:58,230
♪ My love
650
00:34:59,390 --> 00:35:02,830
♪ I'll never find
the words, my love
651
00:35:05,670 --> 00:35:09,990
♪ To tell you how I feel, my love
652
00:35:11,590 --> 00:35:13,230
♪ Mere words
653
00:35:14,590 --> 00:35:18,630
♪ Could not explain...
654
00:35:19,350 --> 00:35:22,750
Looking forward to a nice
evening off, Miss Temple-Savage?
655
00:35:23,510 --> 00:35:25,950
♪ Precious love
656
00:35:25,990 --> 00:35:28,710
I hope this isn't gonna be
one of them dreary nights
657
00:35:28,750 --> 00:35:31,390
full of people whining crappy
old love songs to each other.
658
00:35:31,430 --> 00:35:34,264
Any more of this, I'll have to put
me name down for Sweet Caroline.
659
00:35:34,270 --> 00:35:36,230
Oh, not Sweet Caroline!
660
00:35:36,270 --> 00:35:39,830
I know, Jacqueline, awful song, but
look, we're at breaking point.
661
00:35:39,870 --> 00:35:42,750
If someone doesn't give this crowd
a chorus they can sing along to,
662
00:35:42,790 --> 00:35:44,310
the peasants will be revolting.
663
00:35:44,350 --> 00:35:46,590
I mean, more revolting
than they are already.
664
00:35:46,630 --> 00:35:48,630
They're not all revolting.
665
00:35:51,310 --> 00:35:54,590
Oh, yeah? What's the score
with you and Captain Birdseye?
666
00:35:54,630 --> 00:35:56,670
Oh, just a bit of flirting.
667
00:35:56,710 --> 00:35:58,670
Makes the world go around.
668
00:35:58,710 --> 00:36:02,630
138.50 euros.
669
00:36:02,670 --> 00:36:05,550
Just shows, a little innovation
can go a long way.
670
00:36:05,590 --> 00:36:09,470
For God's sake, calm down. It was
two plastic chairs and an umbrella.
671
00:36:09,510 --> 00:36:12,470
It wouldn't exactly get them
jizzing on Dragon's Den.
672
00:36:12,510 --> 00:36:14,510
♪ ..Back to me...
673
00:36:14,550 --> 00:36:17,470
What's this?
- Your cut from the Pop-Up Nail Bar.
674
00:36:17,510 --> 00:36:19,230
Jacqueline, as our sleeping partner,
675
00:36:19,270 --> 00:36:22,390
I've sent a bottle of cava to your
room, I know you like a nightcap.
676
00:36:22,430 --> 00:36:24,750
Ooh! Why don't we have
another one here
677
00:36:24,790 --> 00:36:28,110
and then all go up and drink
a toast to Blow and Go?
678
00:36:28,150 --> 00:36:32,790
Oh, there's a lovely view
of the cross from my balcony.
679
00:36:33,470 --> 00:36:35,750
Now that's what I call
good business!
680
00:36:38,750 --> 00:36:40,750
...and sometimes bends
681
00:36:43,830 --> 00:36:45,830
♪ Without you
682
00:36:47,910 --> 00:36:52,430
♪ Life has no meaning or rhyme
683
00:36:53,150 --> 00:36:54,510
Hello?
684
00:36:54,550 --> 00:36:56,550
♪ Like notes to a song
out of time...
685
00:36:56,590 --> 00:36:59,430
I'm sorry, Crystal,
I can hardly hear you.
686
00:37:01,550 --> 00:37:04,950
Yes, there is a terrible noise
this end.
687
00:37:04,990 --> 00:37:07,430
♪ ...Having faith in me...
688
00:37:07,470 --> 00:37:09,990
I'll call you from the office
in ten minutes.
689
00:37:13,790 --> 00:37:17,070
♪ For God blessed me with you
690
00:37:18,630 --> 00:37:20,430
How do you mean she doesn't know?
691
00:37:20,470 --> 00:37:22,150
Every card has her face on it.
692
00:37:22,950 --> 00:37:25,950
Look, the real responsible is here,
ask him yourself.
693
00:37:25,990 --> 00:37:28,310
I mean, ask her yourself.
694
00:37:28,350 --> 00:37:31,830
I'm sorry I was so long, I
kind of misjudged the recovery time.
695
00:37:32,430 --> 00:37:35,150
Lesley, I can't believe you're back
on your feet so quickly
696
00:37:35,190 --> 00:37:37,070
after such a major operation.
697
00:37:37,110 --> 00:37:40,190
Oh, it's like a conveyor belt
up there in Villa Joiosa.
698
00:37:40,950 --> 00:37:44,710
The doctor was telling me
he does about 20 patients a day.
699
00:37:44,750 --> 00:37:48,030
And you have to go back for
them to do your voice, obviously.
700
00:37:49,110 --> 00:37:51,030
Temple-Savage hasn't missed me,
has she?
701
00:37:51,070 --> 00:37:55,030
No, we covered for you, but
we've still got to sort these out.
702
00:37:55,070 --> 00:37:57,830
What's wrong? Oh, you didn't
mess them up, did you?
703
00:37:57,870 --> 00:38:00,070
I told you to do them
exactly like that!
704
00:38:00,110 --> 00:38:01,390
And he did.
705
00:38:02,510 --> 00:38:04,190
What?
- It's all right.
706
00:38:04,230 --> 00:38:07,030
Joyce has tonight off and she's
not in until tomorrow afternoon.
707
00:38:07,070 --> 00:38:11,630
There's loads of blank cards left,
we can do them all again tomorrow.
708
00:38:11,670 --> 00:38:13,837
Did you keep the receipt
for your sex change, Lesley?
709
00:38:13,870 --> 00:38:16,830
I think they made one booby
bigger than the other.
710
00:38:16,870 --> 00:38:19,390
Sex change? What are you
talking about, man?
711
00:38:19,430 --> 00:38:21,710
I've had me eyes lasered.
712
00:38:21,750 --> 00:38:23,750
Ya daft bugger.
713
00:38:25,390 --> 00:38:27,430
I knew this operation
was for her eyes.
714
00:38:27,470 --> 00:38:30,830
I mean, his eyes.
I'm not a complete idiot!
715
00:38:30,870 --> 00:38:32,350
Really?
716
00:38:32,390 --> 00:38:34,390
Which part's missing?
717
00:38:37,950 --> 00:38:39,830
You made me feel brand new.
718
00:38:46,150 --> 00:38:48,750
Forgive me, Joyce,
I couldn't help myself.
719
00:38:49,910 --> 00:38:53,710
Monty, I said eight o'clock in the
text. I still haven't got changed.
720
00:38:54,430 --> 00:38:56,030
Well, I can wait here.
721
00:38:56,070 --> 00:38:59,510
I've got to make a phone call to make
too, I'll be at least 45 minutes.
722
00:39:00,630 --> 00:39:02,990
I've waited so long,
what's another 45 minutes?
723
00:39:05,830 --> 00:39:09,310
OK, if you want a drink, use this.
724
00:39:11,110 --> 00:39:12,710
It's also my room key.
725
00:39:12,750 --> 00:39:14,510
Come up in about an hour,
726
00:39:14,550 --> 00:39:18,470
we'll have drinks on the balcony
before we go out, room 1501.
727
00:39:19,430 --> 00:39:20,710
Perfect.
728
00:39:24,310 --> 00:39:26,310
Chips and rice tonight, Monty.
729
00:39:27,310 --> 00:39:30,270
Definitely chips and rice.
730
00:39:30,310 --> 00:39:31,990
Whoa!
731
00:39:32,190 --> 00:39:36,030
♪ I can see clearly
now the rain has gone
732
00:39:41,000 --> 00:39:43,280
Look at them all,
staring and sneering.
733
00:39:43,320 --> 00:39:47,040
As if they've never had a member of
the family do anything embarrassing.
734
00:39:47,080 --> 00:39:50,960
Well, at least we know
she's safely tucked up in bed,
735
00:39:51,760 --> 00:39:54,320
away from those prying eyes.
736
00:39:55,560 --> 00:39:57,560
Oh, it's all my fault.
737
00:39:57,600 --> 00:40:00,720
I knew we should have gone
to Center Parcs.
738
00:40:01,240 --> 00:40:03,200
You can't blame yourself, Mam.
739
00:40:03,240 --> 00:40:08,640
All them meetings, all that
willpower gone for nothing.
740
00:40:09,560 --> 00:40:11,840
Well, she may have strayed
from the path
741
00:40:12,800 --> 00:40:15,480
but I hope
she finds her way back again.
742
00:40:17,600 --> 00:40:21,160
As Pauline herself has said,
many times,
743
00:40:22,440 --> 00:40:27,400
it's a long, lonely
journey on the road to Domestos.
744
00:40:29,120 --> 00:40:30,400
Damascus.
745
00:40:37,000 --> 00:40:38,640
That's right, Crystal.
746
00:40:38,680 --> 00:40:42,240
The new system was rolled out today
with no problems.
747
00:40:45,600 --> 00:40:47,400
How many drinks?
748
00:40:48,560 --> 00:40:50,640
Are you sure
that's from one person?
749
00:40:52,280 --> 00:40:55,360
Well, yes, they should be
immediately blacklisted,
750
00:40:55,400 --> 00:40:57,400
from all Solana group hotels.
751
00:40:58,400 --> 00:41:01,920
Could you give me the ID number?
I'll track this hooligan down.
752
00:41:02,520 --> 00:41:06,240
Although to be honest, I've got a
very good idea who the culprit is.
753
00:41:06,280 --> 00:41:07,880
Yes.
754
00:41:08,800 --> 00:41:10,800
0-0-3-8...
755
00:41:12,080 --> 00:41:14,080
...1-1-4-2.
756
00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:16,000
Here we go.
757
00:41:21,720 --> 00:41:24,120
Erm... yes, I've found the culprit.
758
00:41:24,160 --> 00:41:26,080
Yes, you're right.
759
00:41:26,120 --> 00:41:28,120
Absolute menace to society.
760
00:41:29,000 --> 00:41:31,000
They'll be thrown out on their ear.
761
00:41:32,680 --> 00:41:35,600
OK. Good night.
762
00:41:42,840 --> 00:41:44,360
Right!
763
00:41:46,280 --> 00:41:48,280
Let's get one thing straight.
764
00:41:49,320 --> 00:41:52,200
My sister is no different to
any one of you lot here.
765
00:41:53,320 --> 00:41:56,320
I mean, look at yourselves,
whispering and nudging.
766
00:41:56,920 --> 00:41:59,160
"Yeah, that's the family
with the pisshead."
767
00:42:00,840 --> 00:42:03,760
But when you point
a finger at someone,
768
00:42:03,800 --> 00:42:06,320
you've got three pointing
back at yourself.
769
00:42:10,280 --> 00:42:14,480
Who can sit here and say
that they haven't got a relation
770
00:42:14,520 --> 00:42:17,400
who's brought shame and
disappointment on their family?
771
00:42:17,440 --> 00:42:21,160
Who can sit here and say they haven't
done the same thing themselves?
772
00:42:21,920 --> 00:42:24,600
Isn't it about time
we looked at our mothers...
773
00:42:26,320 --> 00:42:27,920
...our children...
774
00:42:29,280 --> 00:42:32,280
...our brothers and sister...
775
00:42:34,640 --> 00:42:37,120
...and started to love
them for who they are?
776
00:42:37,160 --> 00:42:39,440
And not worry about
what they look like?
777
00:42:40,200 --> 00:42:42,760
Or for how they choose
to live their life?
778
00:42:42,800 --> 00:42:46,000
Or how they try and cope with
whatever life throws at them?
779
00:42:48,080 --> 00:42:51,800
Because no matter how frustrating
or embarrassing they might be,
780
00:42:52,800 --> 00:42:54,840
we can't give up on them.
781
00:42:54,880 --> 00:42:56,880
Cos they're a part of us...
782
00:42:58,240 --> 00:42:59,760
...a part of our family.
783
00:43:09,640 --> 00:43:11,200
Hit it, Darren.
784
00:43:11,240 --> 00:43:12,840
♪ We Are Family
785
00:43:19,080 --> 00:43:21,080
♪ We are family
786
00:43:23,360 --> 00:43:25,360
♪ I've got all my sisters and me
787
00:43:27,680 --> 00:43:29,680
♪ We are family
788
00:43:31,600 --> 00:43:33,600
♪ Come on, everybody, and sing
789
00:43:34,880 --> 00:43:36,120
Come on!
790
00:43:36,160 --> 00:43:38,160
♪ We are family
791
00:43:39,920 --> 00:43:41,920
♪ I've got all my sisters and me
792
00:43:44,120 --> 00:43:45,800
♪ We are family
793
00:43:45,840 --> 00:43:49,240
So, all we ask from you
is a £5,000 deposit.
794
00:43:49,280 --> 00:43:52,160
It really is too good a deal
to turn down.
795
00:43:52,200 --> 00:43:56,040
Sorry, I don't know about 5,000.
I'd be hard pushed to raise 500.
796
00:43:56,800 --> 00:43:58,800
I know the feeling.
797
00:44:00,040 --> 00:44:02,400
A bottle of lager and
an orange juice, please.
798
00:44:02,440 --> 00:44:05,040
Where did you get that from?
- A woman gave it to me.
799
00:44:05,080 --> 00:44:06,800
When did she give it to you?
- Today.
800
00:44:06,840 --> 00:44:08,507
It gets you into
the apartment as well.
801
00:44:08,520 --> 00:44:09,960
But you're about 12!
802
00:44:10,000 --> 00:44:12,280
I'm 20, mate, 21 in September.
803
00:44:12,320 --> 00:44:14,280
Or is it October?
804
00:44:15,320 --> 00:44:18,120
Do you intend on going up to
the apartment this evening?
805
00:44:18,160 --> 00:44:20,560
Absolutely! I'll be sleeping
there tonight.
806
00:44:20,600 --> 00:44:22,000
What?
- Yeah.
807
00:44:22,040 --> 00:44:24,360
They don't call it
all-inclusive for nothing!
808
00:44:25,240 --> 00:44:26,480
Bloody hell!
809
00:44:26,520 --> 00:44:28,520
Same again, Jacqueline?
810
00:44:28,560 --> 00:44:30,920
Oh, thanks, Lesley, just one more.
811
00:44:30,960 --> 00:44:33,320
Then I've got a date upstairs
812
00:44:33,360 --> 00:44:36,440
with a bottle of bubbly
and a couple of friends!
813
00:44:38,200 --> 00:44:39,320
Hola!
814
00:44:40,240 --> 00:44:42,120
Sod this for a game of soldiers.
815
00:44:43,960 --> 00:44:45,080
Monty?
816
00:44:45,120 --> 00:44:47,520
Monty! I'm sorry,
we've got a bit of a crisis.
817
00:44:47,560 --> 00:44:49,280
No, Joyce, I'm sorry.
818
00:44:49,680 --> 00:44:53,040
I refuse to be just another
notch on your bedpost.
819
00:44:53,080 --> 00:44:54,480
I beg your pardon?
820
00:44:54,520 --> 00:44:57,520
It's typical, the one time
I put my feelings out there
821
00:44:57,560 --> 00:45:00,240
for everyone to see,
I get hurt and humiliated.
822
00:45:00,280 --> 00:45:02,280
What are you talking about?
823
00:45:02,320 --> 00:45:05,160
I thought you were coming up
to have drinks on my balcony?
824
00:45:05,200 --> 00:45:07,840
From what I've seen, there
might not be any room for me!
825
00:45:08,560 --> 00:45:10,880
I'd get a turnstile fitted,
if I were you.
826
00:45:12,040 --> 00:45:14,200
Monty? Monty!
827
00:45:15,640 --> 00:45:17,640
♪ We are family
828
00:45:19,760 --> 00:45:22,000
♪ Get up, everybody, and sing!
829
00:45:27,600 --> 00:45:29,600
Love you, Pauline!
830
00:45:30,440 --> 00:45:32,160
Sleep tight, sister!
831
00:45:35,240 --> 00:45:37,040
♪ So make a stand for your man, honey
832
00:45:37,080 --> 00:45:38,680
♪ Try to can the can
833
00:45:38,730 --> 00:45:43,280
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